47. I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I DON'T

I won’t know why but lately it seems
the tears are flowing easy, and life
has been so full of uncertainty.
I often think of leaving you,
but I stay another week anyway,
waiting for the puzzle to fall in place.
But the time turns too slow
and my time is so short
and winter is turning into spring.
I want to fly with you,
but I’m afraid we have tickets
to a different plane, I don’t know yet,
and you don’t either, and
the weeks that pass
might still make our tears
flow down a single cheek.
I also want to fly away from you,
but you’ve become so much a part of me,
and the truth is just another lie,
so why not take destiny in hand,
and risk the ups and downs another day.
You’ve brought me back to life it’s true,
you’ve brought me love and affection,
you’ve shared my laughter and tears,
you took me from a bad track
and put your needle in my veins,
I always come back for more…

When I’m away I can’t recall your name
because your face is buried in my heart.
Your voice tells me one thing,
but your arms tell another story.
          It seems the world is moving the way I want
          because I’ve left the stars alone
And yet I cry when I can’t recall my name.
And I weep when I see the things I’ve become
And I laugh when I hear the songs of misery
I am hard on myself and hard on you
because I see the day when a single word
will seem completely true.
Oh come all ye good doctors
say how it’s supposed to be
but I smile when I’m full
and I cry when I’m empty.
In the end maybe
the highway will be my faithful dog
we on a leash to each other
We build each other little bridges, baby,
but I have so much traffic to you
and the river never changes course.
I find it hard to live for just today
because I’ve been drifting so long
and I want to let down a new sail,
(Don’t) take a sunny day to sail away with me
and vanish in the morning,
don’t leave me oarless on the open sea.
Sometimes everything seems ok
and sometimes I feel like such a fool
I don’t have the strength to say goodbye
I wonder if I have the strength to stay.

     You’re so concerned about your emptiness
lately it seems that’s what you’re full of.
           But when I offer to fill your heart
           You tell me you don’t care.
           and I feel so stabbed. You talk about love,
           But you don’t really care.
           You’ve been trying hard, You talk
           about beauty, but you’re full of fear,
           you’re full of sorrow for your sad state,
           your sorrow is your only meaning
           when you cry like that.
You’re running from me, baby,
but I also see you running from yourself.
You blame me for the sorrows,
but I also suffer, I didn’t make the world,
and what does it matter
if you cry when you’re alone,
when we’re together that is in the past.
Your strength is fantasy,
fantasy my weakness.
So when you have your visions
you don’t even see me
holding you with these tender arms
your eyes are in the future
your eyes are in the distance
you dream dreams of childhood
childhood you think as it was
you dream of the farthest islands
your thoughts run faster
than the far—flying endless telephone lines.
Oh I know I shouldn’t talk
I’ve had even longer to be messed up.

     I have walked through an inferno
     my mind gasping like a fish on sand
     strangers have held my head
     while I puked in my despair.
     But that religion is gone
     I mailed the cross away,
     I tore up the list of sacred words
     I threw out the honor roll of saints,
     and I’ve been trying so hard
     to make my stand.
     You say I see no beauty,
     you’re wrong, only I see through the illusion
     of skin—deep beauty.
     I am the meaning of my words
     I am very careful in my choice.
     though somehow I always seem to turn out wrong.
I told you I love you,
and as your eyes closed gray with meaning,
the wind blew the frozen letters away.
Quicksilver shimmering, touch it and it contracts.
     It’s true you’ve tried to bring love
     but invitations to an empty house bring only regret.
You feel afraid of love returned,
you feel evil in the exchange,
you walk in your cathedral
with the mud of human feelings on your feet.
If I were dreaming, and if I saw in you an angel,
yes, I guess, I could feel wrong,
knowing what I know, feeling as I feel.
But I see you only as a person,
with only the glow of true affection,
and I can only resent it
when you spit your angel shit at me.
But having said these things I am tired again
soon you’ll have alittle time for me again
Oh baby how wrongly I accused you
When I thought those things of you,
when I doubted your words,
those times when I hated you.
Now, even though you hurt me,
even though you hurt me,
even while you hold and kiss me,
I love you more than I don’t.
I have faith in my survival—
something a falling angel doesn’t.
In the end all things will be equal
the good times, the bad, will fall away.
I’m just waiting for the revelations
as they come, I’ll try real hard to be good,
I’ll really try to remember my medicines,
I’ll wait morning after morning
and pray each night to be better.